Not so much fun!

Symptoms are coming back...why why did I flush my meds, why do I do this to myself over and over and always get the same results...I get sick then sicker then sicker...I suffer alone, cant tell my husband, ashamed...not enough guts to confess to my pdoc or therpist.

Always the same outcome...voices talking, singing, making my head hurt. Feeling worthless even more than I usually feel...food is my friend, food is poison soon? What do I hear and see....crazyness!!!! Only crazyness!!!! Why me?

Just rambling

Ive not posted in a long time...lazy I guess...alot has gone on...well not alot but...im in the middle of my yearly 10 days of hell...(my son passed away 6/22/04 but wasnt delivered till 7/2/04) and on the 22nd I was really sad because Robert has seemed to have forgotten all about Andrew...I dont expect Sara to say anything, shes only 5 and Jess even remembered...but Robert...no comments or anything..Im hoping hes not forgotten our son but is just keeping it to himself...I feel sad about it and disappointed..

On Andrews Angel day we will do the usual...take some balloons to release and some flowers...he would have been 7 this year.

Ive stopped taking my psych meds...not all of them but most...Im tired of putting so much poison into my body every day. Honestly I didnt even tell my Choctaw doc about all the meds although I could have gotten refills... I felt kinda weird for a few days...tired, cold sweat and shaky but im sure it was due to stopping my meds cold turkey...now just feeling super tired all the time....Im not sure why...however I did get a muscle relaxer script when I went to the Indian Clinic this last time and ive needed it everyday so im sure thats why...or part of it anyway...usually I deal with insomnia but its the opposite now...weird.

Really need to clean the house, do some laundry but just too lazy...wore out...i hate that...thank goodness theres left over pizza from last night so I dont have to go to the store today...

Robert had to work today...I hate when he works saturdays but gotta do what hes gotta do...

I feel kinda bad because im ignoring people, friends and family...just dont have the energy to make phone calls....and when I do, my mind wonders and I get impatient to hang up the phone on them...so tis best to just avoid for the time being...think I will call Beth tho...

Well this is totally what I titled it....rambling lol...will try to post again soon.

Oh ive not been gone that long!!!

So its been a few days since I posted....lol...thats me, very not consistant. Not done much the last few days...boring life, just like I like it...Might be getting exciting soon tho...not sure...havent made up my mind about something big. Maybe maybe (prolly) not!

June already?

Yeah its June 2nd....I have to wake up in less then 4.5hrs to get ready for a 9am doctor appt. But that should be easy because im still awake...my meds dont even make me sleepy anymore i guess...even the trazadone (sp?) 200mg at bedtime. Yeah so im tired but not sleepy....and I hate that because i know AHEC takes forfreakinever and I and my lil one will prolly be stuck there till after 12... but its okay i can nap on the couch after we get back home. Then another appt tomorrow but that ones not till 3.

I thought todays appt was for yesterday at 2 so i went there yesterday in 100F heat only to be told it was today...i swore on the calendar it said yesterday at 2 but it didnt. Im such a dork.

Well thats about it...this month is our sons 7  the month that he passed away, he wasnt delivered till July 2nd so the next two months are not good for me...anyway okay bye. Ment to say 7th "Anny" of his death (on June 22nd)