Wow

Wow its been awhile since ive been here..just been busy with life I guess...

School has started...Sara although shes been enjoying 1st grade has already tried to "stay home" a couple of days lol...its actually kinda funny.

Shes got a new best friend...Katie who lives across the street...shes a bit obsessed with her but I think sooner or later shell get bored lol...

ive finally got my Geodon so im feeling better now mentally....hope it keeps up...I was almost ready to go to the hospital again....

I LOVE MY FAMILY....just wanted to say that lol...

Aug 10th

Not too much going on...I do have two major concerns...took Sara to the dentist because shes been complaining about her left jaw hurting her...well it was way worse than we thought...shes going to need I think 12 or so procedures on 7 beginnings of cavities....tiny ones but will get worst...they quoted 1400+ dollars for all...thats NOT including the gas...and they DONT give the child a seditive before either...she totally freaked out when they were trying to do x-rays....didnt like the rest of it...I think she wont be able to do any work at that place....will have to find someone else who does things differently.

Next....went to the pharm to pick up Geodon which is on hold till Sept 3rd or so....I dont have enough of what ive got to last that long....I cant stop taking my geodon because I will start to see and hear things again, it started happening when I cut the dose awhile back so I know it will again if I run out...WTF am I gonna do....anyway guess it will work out...

Also my weight loss has stalled because my fat ass cant stop carb binging....lost only 5lbs since i started...gotta do better...will tonight because....well just because.

This pic is of me and my husband, its a bit old but I love it!!!

Aug 4th

Not much going on...but wanted to post. I still cant "follow" other people on here, it keeps signing me out...its very annoying!!!!

Woke up to ants crawling all in my purse....after some coughdrops....we have them so bad this year....fuc*ing horrible.....we are killing them all the time and Robert has some stuff for the yard I found out but has never put it out to kill things like that...although we get them every summer when its hot and havent had rain, but this year is the worst for them.

Sara had a good B-Day....she loves her guitar lol...

Guess thats all...didnt go to my appt on the 2nd, was too tired from not sleeping at all the night before....so its this monday instead...cant miss this one.

My lil one will be six

Well actually its after midnight so she already is....HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARA BUGS!!!

Right now ive got a headache from hell...nothings helping it...

Tomorrow I see my PDoc and will be getting refills on my crazy meds...yeah i take them so I can call them crazy meds...anyway wanna see if theres something else than lithium I can take...it makes me gain a crazy amount of weight crazy fast!!! Ive not taken it for awhile now tho...but I do know that I need more than just what I take....anyway...thats about it...

It got up to 111F today...well I mean yesterday....anyway too freakin hot for this fat lady!

Wow & wow

A couple days in the hospital and eating what i want and wow is all I can say....did really good but wham, not anymore...restarting today...yeah i am....btw hospital food is so bad for you...i mean they act like they are feeding you good but everything is high high carb so it puts the weight on...anyway

Got a call from someone I know that I met in the hospital...yeah the nut house one....he was super sweet and seemed okay pretty much...but after the last phone call i got from him hes totally weirded me out....not only did he say hes been in and out of the hospital...which that in itself isnt really bad...when ya need help ya need help....but when he called me he told me to leave my husband and marry him....hes been sent to a boarding home...thats what he called it anyway....and i think he thinks i will save him....even told me in a creepy way that he wanted to marry me and have sex with me....good Lord he sure dont know me well cause sex is the furthest thing from my mind even with my husband atm.... anyway not going to take anymore calls from him....he was sweet and innocent enough till THAT!!!! Totally creeped me out!!!! He called yesterday morning at 7 something but  my phone was only on vibrate and it didnt wake anyone up and I sure didnt want to talk to him after what he said...even if i were single i wouldnt, i mean ive always known hes a bit....childish i guess....or childlike rather....but i cant and never could take care of a grown adult like that....i dont know what to do with myself and my own mental health issues half the time...

Must go my almost 6 year old is famished lol....and its only 8:30 in the morning....

Will try to post more often

Bad then good

Why doesnt blogger allow me to add ppls sites, join, whatever its called...every time I leave my page to see someones it logs me out...I wanna read other ppls blogs on a regular basis damnit!

And the good thing....although I caved a wee bit during a sleepless night, I did lose two lbs!!! YIPPEEE

Day one down

Although my first "eating" wasnt healthy, I did really well today....grabbed one glazed donut after feeling almost sick with major tummy growls and later ate two servings of strawberry yogurt....thats it....some ppl make say wow thats alot of cals and carbs and yes it is but ya got nooooooooooooo idea how much this fat chic usually eats...wish me luck for day two.....LUCK

Once again

Once again I start yet another im sure unsuccessful diet....first few days starting today Im going to fast and/or restrict cals....Stomach has been growling HARD for the last couple of hours but hey Ive lost 4.8lbs since I weighted this morning....two water pills and Ill pee all day long lol...just to jump start me and see a change on the scale...will help me keep going since I have NOOONOOONOOO willpower.

F'ing dog chewed up yet another shoe...this time it was one of Saras tennis shoes...hes a perfect dog other than the chewing BS!!! IT pisses me off so bad...we dont have a room to shut him in...well we do but he will just go for the carpet, baseboards and or the bed....thinking about getting a muzzle to put on him at night...he could still drink....not eat but damn I just had the chewing...its right up there with crapping all over the house!

Lawyer should have gotten the "important" papers today or tomorrow....praying things work out and the settlement doesnt mess too many things up...

Ill post here again tomorrow with my lbs lost! Wish me luck!

Nothing new

Nothing new going on right now really but wanted to post "something".

Sara is almost 6 and Ill be 39 in a week....do I feel old? Hell yeah but ive felt this way for years so nothing new there...

Sara wants a guitar for her BD so we are gonna buy one next week for her...Wonder the outcome of that... Me personally Im just lookin forward to some cake LOL

I wish

Its 2:30am and Im not sleepy again...well ive been getting more sleep than I used to not sure why it changed....

I wish it was Fall
I wish I was happier
I wish I was skinny
I wish I was normal....whatever that is...
I wish I could see things through a child eye
I wish I was pretty
I wish I wasnt getting old...I feel like I shouldnt be
I wish I didnt have mental health issues

Not well...

Today I dont feel so good....my chest hurts...its nothing unusal but I hate it and all I have for pain are some crap tram pills...They are like taking tylenol for me....works for tiny pain but not major...Called the hubby, hes gonna come home early from work so i can rest....its hard to with a five year old running crazy...Im not dying just feel like poop! I have alot of chest pain with my heart condition...anyway will post later or when I think about it lol

Really with it!

Im so not keeping up with what I wanted, which is to post almost daily lol...first week of July already and first monthly post.

Nothing really going on...got a dog named Milo....hes really good cept he likes to get into the trash and chew stuff too...but hes doing excellently with house training...hes a mutt pretty much...black and brown with a white tip on his tail...very friendly.

Im taking only geodon and I dont take that every single day...well i mean with all of my other many meds. Feeling okay I guess...down some but not crazy down like in the past...not yet anyway...still thinking about running away from my life....I love Sara so so much and Robert...I dont know why I think about that alot...me living in a car...Gawd that would really suck and I know it but its like I crave it sometimes....maybe its just the peach and quiet I want...dunno...

Havent made any phone calls or anything to anybody although I do need to call Lacy, she sent me an early birthday card. Love her loads but when I talk to her all i hear is her complaining about her life lol...crazy...havent called mom in couple weeks or more...still not sure if i want her in my life at all since the past shes proven herself to be a peice of shit...harse but true....lies lies lies all the time....I did send her some school pics of Sara tho. Dunno why really. Guess i still love her although shes a shitty mother.

I look at the house and really wish I had the energy to clean it really good....maybe one room a day soon...i hope...im sick of the clutter...

Jessica friend is coming this weekend for a week, hope they dont act like shits and keep themselves out of trouble...dont need anymore trouble where we live...GAWD I hate the teenage years...not looking forward to when Sara will be that age, but thats years away thank God.

Its 2pm and havent taken my morning meds yet so guess I should....till later

Not so much fun!

Symptoms are coming back...why why did I flush my meds, why do I do this to myself over and over and always get the same results...I get sick then sicker then sicker...I suffer alone, cant tell my husband, ashamed...not enough guts to confess to my pdoc or therpist.

Always the same outcome...voices talking, singing, making my head hurt. Feeling worthless even more than I usually feel...food is my friend, food is poison soon? What do I hear and see....crazyness!!!! Only crazyness!!!! Why me?

Just rambling

Ive not posted in a long time...lazy I guess...alot has gone on...well not alot but...im in the middle of my yearly 10 days of hell...(my son passed away 6/22/04 but wasnt delivered till 7/2/04) and on the 22nd I was really sad because Robert has seemed to have forgotten all about Andrew...I dont expect Sara to say anything, shes only 5 and Jess even remembered...but Robert...no comments or anything..Im hoping hes not forgotten our son but is just keeping it to himself...I feel sad about it and disappointed..

On Andrews Angel day we will do the usual...take some balloons to release and some flowers...he would have been 7 this year.

Ive stopped taking my psych meds...not all of them but most...Im tired of putting so much poison into my body every day. Honestly I didnt even tell my Choctaw doc about all the meds although I could have gotten refills... I felt kinda weird for a few days...tired, cold sweat and shaky but im sure it was due to stopping my meds cold turkey...now just feeling super tired all the time....Im not sure why...however I did get a muscle relaxer script when I went to the Indian Clinic this last time and ive needed it everyday so im sure thats why...or part of it anyway...usually I deal with insomnia but its the opposite now...weird.

Really need to clean the house, do some laundry but just too lazy...wore out...i hate that...thank goodness theres left over pizza from last night so I dont have to go to the store today...

Robert had to work today...I hate when he works saturdays but gotta do what hes gotta do...

I feel kinda bad because im ignoring people, friends and family...just dont have the energy to make phone calls....and when I do, my mind wonders and I get impatient to hang up the phone on them...so tis best to just avoid for the time being...think I will call Beth tho...

Well this is totally what I titled it....rambling lol...will try to post again soon.

Oh ive not been gone that long!!!

So its been a few days since I posted....lol...thats me, very not consistant. Not done much the last few days...boring life, just like I like it...Might be getting exciting soon tho...not sure...havent made up my mind about something big. Maybe maybe (prolly) not!

June already?

Yeah its June 2nd....I have to wake up in less then 4.5hrs to get ready for a 9am doctor appt. But that should be easy because im still awake...my meds dont even make me sleepy anymore i guess...even the trazadone (sp?) 200mg at bedtime. Yeah so im tired but not sleepy....and I hate that because i know AHEC takes forfreakinever and I and my lil one will prolly be stuck there till after 12... but its okay i can nap on the couch after we get back home. Then another appt tomorrow but that ones not till 3.

I thought todays appt was for yesterday at 2 so i went there yesterday in 100F heat only to be told it was today...i swore on the calendar it said yesterday at 2 but it didnt. Im such a dork.

Well thats about it...this month is our sons 7  the month that he passed away, he wasnt delivered till July 2nd so the next two months are not good for me...anyway okay bye. Ment to say 7th "Anny" of his death (on June 22nd)

Blogger has been acting weird for me...you?

I cant leave any comments on anyones posts...and i have to keep relogging in...its very annoying...please fix it or I will go else where....If i can figure  out how to use another places....

Ive lost 13lbs in a week, since i stopped taking the lithium...i know you shouldnt stop a med especial a "head pill" without telling your doc...but i did stop on my own after id gained 17lbs in less then a month...i stopped and all the without changing my heating plan, dropped 13lbs, mostly water but im claiming it!!

Well thats ummm about it for now....yeah pretty boring day so far....

Feelin Funky & My babys "K" Graduation!!

First of all...My youngest graduated Kindergarten yesterday....AND she made "AB" Honor Roll...heres a couple of pics....

She was very happy as you can see lol...second one is blurry, my oldest daughter took it and shes not all that brainy so we are just lucky that Sara is in the frame at all hehe....Sara doesnt have to go to flex week...so instead of getting out on the 3rd, tomorrow is her last day..which makes her very happy too...

Now for my stuff and excuse my spelling errors as one or some of my meds makes me make alot of mistakes at times....twitchy fingers or something i dont know....anyway....i called a friend that i had made when i was in the "hospital" last time....we became really good friends, calling eachother every couple of days when we both got out etc....last night when i called his mother (yeah hes 35 and lives with his mother) said he was back in the hospital. I knew hed be upset by his meds messing with him so much...making him zombied out and stuff, but i thought they would stop soon like mine....so i wrote him a letter and mailed it today....was gonna call the phone that have there for patients last night but fell asleep. It makes me feel very weird because hes the 4th person to go back who were all together there when I was there in March. Kinda weirds me out....Makes me wonder if Ill go back too...makes me a bit paranoid....im just weird that way....

Native American Pictures

Im Cherokee and most of these are from other tribes however I love them, thought id share. The first photo I do know is of a Cherokee mother with her child.

THIS is nuts!!!!

Since the 28th of last month till today I have gained 17lbs from my psych meds!!!!! Using the exact same scale and naked both times.... OMG!!! Its not like im not used to being fat already but geeeez thats less than a month...my eating habits havent changed whatsoever and the side effects for lithium and Geodon both say "possible" weight gain but Good Lord! At this rate Ill gain over 200lbs in a year...i mean surely not right? I feel sick!

Whats working for me presently

Im talkin about what psych meds im currently taking that are actually working at  the moment. In the past ive had some work good and have had to stop them for one reason or the other but these ive been on since treatment (April 3-to now) and woked very well...they used to zombie me out...i was so sleepy during the day, hung over i couldnt keep my eyes open, but thats pretty much gone and they pretty much dont help with sleep either, so will let my PA know next time I see her a HealthCore.

Klonopin 1mg 3xday (ive been on this dose for nearly 4 years) for anxiety attacks
Lamictal 200mg daily (for mood stabilizer)
Trazodone 150mg at bedtime (for sleep)
Guanfacine 2mg (for night terrors)
Geodon 160 at night (for  schizophrenic features)
Lithium 300mg in the morning and 600mg at night (bi-polar)

Finally a Follower YIPEE FOR ME lol...

Thank you JoDee for wanting to follow me...trust me I will bore you to teass. If you are here for that, then you found the right place lol (jk) Thank you for being here.

So ive been in the hospital with chest pain (I have a heart condition) for the last 3 days....well I think 3 days...that means ive missed two  important appts..gees great. Have to remake those. One with my regular doctor and one with my therpist...her isnt hard to make   but my regular doc can be a pain in the butt to make one with...I cant type to much right now by the way, my lil one will be off the but any minute...I dont know whats effecting my typing and thinking process at the moment...the lithium or what...but im typing weird, words that im not even thinking about....psych meds can be and do weird things....well I may come on here laster tonight but most deff in the morning...Take Care

Friday the 13th ohhhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Scary stuff, just kidding, just another day....havent blogged in a few days, nothing much new going on...found a puppy, shes cute, named her Kate, well Jess named her Kate. Sara has field day today...hope she has alot of fun...im sure she will....

I was supposed to have started a liquid fast today, didnt work out...already ate so gonna start tomorrow...see...thats about it....yup....gonna post a pic of Kate on this one...cause nothing exciting going on.

Picture Day

I dont have much to say early this morning, so thought id just post a few pics that I really like...

Sick Kiddo & Some Thinking

So took the little one to the doctor this morning, turns out she has a bad ear infection. Thats been causing most of her symptoms, plus a little but of upper resp. stuff. That is what was probably causing her vomiting, she didnt do that much which I am thankful for.

Was doing some thinking yesterday about my taking Geodon. (one of many meds I am currently taking) It really works well for me. Keeps the hallucinations down to a bare min. And when I do have auditory hallucinations they are mostly "like" background noise. NOTHING like they used to be. Well I was wondering since my diag. was bi polar with phychotic tends. by two docs and schizophrenia by one...who the hell knows really...not having any mental health care when things started years and years ago didnt help matters at all....and me keeping things as secret as possible in my adult life didnt help either....anyway....theres been times where ive not seen or heard "things" for months at a time...then they come back, then they go and so on and so on....so my thoughts were....how do i know if they are gone....as in gone gone....and I dont need the Geodon for awhile or? Weird question for some maybe but...real concern of mine...I dont want to be taking strong anti phychotic meds if I dont need them.  I guess its something to ask at my next appt at HeathCore.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!

This morning I woke up to some Beautiful Yellow Roses...not these but a dozen like them...MY FAVE color!!!! No comment on the two boxes of Krispy Cream donuts my hubby got me the night before lol...Mothers day is awesome. Oldest did the dishes, yes I had to bribe her and she didnt do them all but im happy with them. The lil one is still a bit sick...think I am gonna take her to the doc tomorrow....last night and this morning she threw up a bit, not much fever tho...the highest it was was 102.6 buts its low grade now...gave her her second half of a phenagrin (sp?) awhile ago and shes sleeping now. Thats about how exciting things are around here lol...Anywho I know no one reads this but someday maybe lol...

Wasnt gonna do another one today buuuuuut....

Here we go anyway....Went and saw who I had to see today and Im a bit upset...Erica my "case worker" is now gone and someone else is taking her place, yeah so Im not happy with starting over with new people and "getting to know them" and having to start from scratch and all that mess so I told her I didnt need the whatever it was called ya know the....ummmm " what to do when the voices are too bad to handle" classes...sorry my lil one is distracting me singing to Hannah Montana (yipeeee Netflix lol) So I will just see her every 3 months for a how are you kinda thing...as well as the PA for refills..cept for this time, she wants to see me in six weeks, on June the 15th...and speaking of seeing me. Today was a good visit with her...best one ive actually had ever...however when calling about my scripts she didnt fax ALL five of them in only 3....so ill give them the rest of the day today if they dont do the rest Ill call them tomorrow about the other two...Lordy Lordy its always something lol....

And im dying for some soda and we are all out, water tastes funny using ice from the ice maker and no bottled here...hes(Hubby)supposed stopping by the store on the way home.....only cold coffee or a drop of OJ or milk to drink and im Brooooooke lol.......

Oh what a beautiful morning!

Oink

No Really, It is a very Beautiful morning....not as BEAUTIFUL as those two wittle piggies tho...but very nice outside...I think its supposed to get up to 75ish today....not checked the weather for a couple of days....BUT after paying the AC guy 225.00 yesterday we are ready for ANY weather!!!!

ANYWHO....not much going on today...gotta get the lil one early from school cause the older one made me mad last night when she said the lil one wasnt hers so why should she watch her while i was at the docs today...so im gonna take the lil one with me instead...I have to see my case worker,,,i dunno why shes called that, shes more like a therpist (sp?) and then see the PA. So gotta get my K'er outta school about 20 mins before my appt.....hope i wont be late...but I always have to sit anyway...grrr lol. I feel like my meds are working okay...that reminds me i need to put them in my purse...will do that now after doing this , wow im done with this lol...will try to be consistant with blogging.....yeah WAHAHAHAHA ......anyway gonna look around to see if I can find some interesting ones to follow...God Bless anyone who happens to find this one.

Brand New Me

Well I started a brand new blog for the brand new me...Okay actually Im not new...im 38...so im old...BUT I am new at this here blogging sorta. Eveyone on earth is doing it so thought id give it a try. What will I blog about...not sure yet. But guess we shall see.